It was a hot, summer Wednesday. I was busy with something I had to get done for the weekend when I got a positive pregnancy test. It was faint so I pulled out the expensive digital test to check. Negative. That was one of the longest afternoons of my life as I didn’t know which test was correct. The next day, Thursday, I went to the store and picked up some new tests. Positive. Tested again Friday morning. Still positive. We were ecstatic! We had been trying for over a year. We even told a few friends we saw on Saturday.
Sunday I started having some spotting. We had a five hour ride home so I just took it easy. The bleeding got a little worse throughout the day. Once we got home, I grabbed a fresh bottle of water and put myself on bed rest. Monday morning I got to the doctor’s office at 8:30 where they confirmed that I did miscarry. I can’t even begin to describe to you the pain and grief. I may have only had that baby for five weeks and three days and only knew them for three days but that didn’t lessen the grief. I already loved that baby. The length of time to conceive that baby made the grief worse.
Through that time I learned so much more about everything that goes on with a miscarriage, not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. I was so blessed to have a husband who took over the cooking duties (even though he hates cooking) and a friend who took my daughter for a day so I could just rest and grieve.
I think most people don’t know what to do in this type of situation so they do nothing. During that time I discovered how to help a friend going through a miscarriage.
Offer love and prayers
It sounds simple but the friend going through the miscarriage will need as much love and prayers as she can get. This is going to be such a hard time for her and her husband. She didn’t just lose a pregnancy, she lost her baby. No matter how far along in the pregnancy she was, she already loved that baby. She is going to need a lot of love herself to get through the hurt.
Bring meals
People always think to bring meals when there is a new baby but few think to do so when there has been a miscarriage. For me, there was no way I could have cooked those first few days. Between the pain from the cramping and the emotional pain, there wasn’t much I did besides lay on the sofa. Even though my husband did help in the kitchen, having a few meals would have been handy.
Offer to watch her children
If your friend is already a mom, offer to watch her other children. Let her have a day to just rest and grieve without having to worry about parenting her other children. Having a day without my daughter around was the biggest help. That day I just allowed myself to hurt, emotionally and physically. Every woman is different in what she will need for help but most of them would love this. It is so hard to grieve when you still have to mother your other children.
A miscarriage can be one of the most heartbreaking things a women can go through Click To TweetJust listen
Don’t offer advice or “words of wisdom.” So much of the time the advice makes the pain worse. While it is true, the friend who has been struggling for months doesn’t always want to hear “at least now you have proof you can get pregnant.” Likely the grieving friend will say some things that don’t make sense to you if you have never suffered the same. That’s okay. Don’t try to make sense of it and just listen. She’s going to need this for more than just a few days or a week. Some women only grieve for a week or two, others grieve for months. Don’t expect her to be fine a month or two later. Understand that she might just randomly start talking about it again in a few months. Don’t tell her to move on, just listen.
If you yourself are going through a miscarriage, I suggest this article, Mourning a Miscarriage. It really helped me figure out what I was feeling when I couldn’t do it on my own. And if you feel comfortable doing so, please let me know. I’d love to pray for you. I have also created an 8×10 sized printable with a verse that has been helping me through this time. I’d like to offer it to you for free to help encourage you as well. You can go here to download it or click on the picture below.
Kristy as Giftie Etcetera says
Thank you for this. I’ve had a miscarriage (and a rainbow baby). What you wrote is helpful for all of us who have suffered that way. Sharing with some friends!
Kristy as Giftie Etcetera recently posted…Why I Hate Summer Reading Programs
Julie says
I’m so sorry that you have also gone through this. Thank you for sharing!
Christian says
I have never had a miscarriage myself, but a dear friend of mine did last year. Your advice was spot on to her needs and experience. So sorry for your loss and pain!
-your new neighbor at Welcome Home Wednesday, #22
Julie says
Nice to meet you! Sorry your friend had to go through this but sounds like you were able to help her through it. đŸ™‚
Caroline @ In Due Time says
This is SO good and SO relevant, because the truth is M/c happens ALL the time! Thanks for sharing your heart!!! Since I am so involved in the infertility world and it’s my heart and ministry, this post really helps me know how to help others. Thanks for sharing your story and advocating for others who have also walked this road!
Julie says
If there is one major thing I have learned through this experience it is to break the silence. Miscarriage is so much more common than we realize but there isn’t very much support, emotional or physical. As my husband has discovered, there is even less support for the men going through it.
Doreen Tapper says
So many of us become tongue-tied when there is a crisis. Thank you for sharing ways we can help others.
Brittany @ DIY Just Cuz says
Thanks for linking this up to the Welcome Home Wednesdays link party! This is a great post…it’s hard to know what to say and do in these situations and it helps to hear from someone who has been in the situation, though I am so sorry that you had to go through that! Thanks for sharing…we hope to see you again next week!
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Anastasia says
Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and it was the hardest experience of my life. All of your ideas are perfect, I think sending a note in the mail even a few weeks later to let them know you’re still praying and available helps too.
So sorry for your loss.
Visiting today from Shine Blog Hop!
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Julie says
Yes, some women would really appreciate a note in the mail a few weeks later. Thanks for the suggestion!
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom says
Wonderful post.
I’ve been through 2 miscarriages myself and your suggestions here are so helpful. I especially like your point to “just listen”. When I experienced miscarriage, I was shocked by how much “advice” I was given. I didn’t want advice. I didn’t need advice. Advice made me feel like I did something wrong.
Thank you for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).
Wishing you a lovely day.
xoxo
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom recently posted…How to Create a Homeschool Planning Retreat
Julie says
Yes on the advice! I did nothing wrong, it just happened.
Leah Sannar says
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had a couple friends who have suffered through this, and it’s extremely difficult to be on the outside, feeling like you can’t help. These tips are helpful, thank you. :o)
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