It was a hot, summer Wednesday. I was busy with something I had to get done for the weekend when I got a positive pregnancy test. It was faint so I pulled out the expensive digital test to check. Negative. That was one of the longest afternoons of my life as I didn’t know which test was correct. The next day, Thursday, I went to the store and picked up some new tests. Positive. Tested again Friday morning. Still positive. We were ecstatic! We had been trying for over a year. We even told a few friends we saw on Saturday.
Sunday I started having some spotting. We had a five hour ride home so I just took it easy. The bleeding got a little worse throughout the day. Once we got home, I grabbed a fresh bottle of water and put myself on bed rest. Monday morning I got to the doctor’s office at 8:30 where they confirmed that I did miscarry. I can’t even begin to describe to you the pain and grief. I may have only had that baby for five weeks and three days and only knew them for three days but that didn’t lessen the grief. I already loved that baby. The length of time to conceive that baby made the grief worse.
Through that time I learned so much more about everything that goes on with a miscarriage, not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. I was so blessed to have a husband who took over the cooking duties (even though he hates cooking) and a friend who took my daughter for a day so I could just rest and grieve.
I think most people don’t know what to do in this type of situation so they do nothing. During that time I discovered how to help a friend going through a miscarriage.
Offer love and prayers
It sounds simple but the friend going through the miscarriage will need as much love and prayers as she can get. This is going to be such a hard time for her and her husband. She didn’t just lose a pregnancy, she lost her baby. No matter how far along in the pregnancy she was, she already loved that baby. She is going to need a lot of love herself to get through the hurt.
People always think to bring meals when there is a new baby but few think to do so when there has been a miscarriage. For me, there was no way I could have cooked those first few days. Between the pain from the cramping and the emotional pain, there wasn’t much I did besides lay on the sofa. Even though my husband did help in the kitchen, having a few meals would have been handy.
Offer to watch her children
If your friend is already a mom, offer to watch her other children. Let her have a day to just rest and grieve without having to worry about parenting her other children. Having a day without my daughter around was the biggest help. That day I just allowed myself to hurt, emotionally and physically. Every woman is different in what she will need for help but most of them would love this. It is so hard to grieve when you still have to mother your other children.A miscarriage can be one of the most heartbreaking things a women can go through Click To Tweet
Don’t offer advice or “words of wisdom.” So much of the time the advice makes the pain worse. While it is true, the friend who has been struggling for months doesn’t always want to hear “at least now you have proof you can get pregnant.” Likely the grieving friend will say some things that don’t make sense to you if you have never suffered the same. That’s okay. Don’t try to make sense of it and just listen. She’s going to need this for more than just a few days or a week. Some women only grieve for a week or two, others grieve for months. Don’t expect her to be fine a month or two later. Understand that she might just randomly start talking about it again in a few months. Don’t tell her to move on, just listen.
If you yourself are going through a miscarriage, I suggest this article, Mourning a Miscarriage. It really helped me figure out what I was feeling when I couldn’t do it on my own. And if you feel comfortable doing so, please let me know. I’d love to pray for you. I have also created an 8×10 sized printable with a verse that has been helping me through this time. I’d like to offer it to you for free to help encourage you as well. You can go here to download it or click on the picture below.
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