Miscarriage. It’s what no one wants to talk about, no one wants to think it might happen to them, but is more common than we realize. Summer of 2015 I suffered a miscarriage. If you go through a miscarriage, your doctor will give you some information and you might find some information online but there are some things that are surprising. So many things just get mentioned in a rather socially appropriate manner. Well, since when have I ever been socially appropriate? 😉 Here are some things no one tells you about a miscarriage, no holding back, no glossing over the details.
It will physically hurt
My miscarriage occurred at five weeks. My doctor said that I would bleed heavily and that I would cramp but she did not tell me that the cramps would be so seriously intense. I get bad menstrual cramps but these were far worse than that. Essentially, when you miscarry, you go into labor. I can tell you that miscarrying felt like contractions to me. Obviously, it is more intense than you can handle with something like ibuprofen, you should talk to your doctor as something could be wrong.
You may feel the urge to push
If you have successfully given birth before, you know what that urge to push feels like. If not, it feels a bit like an intense need to have a bowel movement. Even with an early miscarriage, as surprising as it may seem, you might feel this urge. The good news is after that happens and you pass the baby, the physical pain starts to go away and the bleeding will start to slow down.
The emotions will be more intense than you anticipate
You will probably expect sadness over the loss and maybe even some anger. What is surprising is the intensity of these emotions. If you think about it, it makes sense. You are basically losing all the pregnancy hormones at once. Just like giving birth to a full term or preemie baby, these hormones have to level back out again. For me, I cried for about two days then the anger was crazy! I have never been so angry in my life. My theory is that if you have been trying to get pregnant for awhile, that adds another level to the emotional intensity.
A miscarriage can be far more intense both physically and emotionally than you may realize... Click To TweetYou might bounce back quickly
I think most of us expect to be in a state of depression for a while after a miscarriage because that is what we tend to hear about. We are told it’s normal to not have a desire for sex for quite some time after. Know that it is perfectly normal to grieve for a couple of days…and then move on. A bit of a TMI moment: I can remember just wanting to stop bleeding so that I could enjoy bedroom time with my husband again. Not because I really wanted to start trying again or anything weird but because I had a desperate desire to be and feel normal again.
I wanted to run on my elliptical to feel like a normal person again. I would talk about it nonchalantly without even thinking because it was just something that happened to me like anything else. Within a week or two, I could talk about it without tearing up. Within about a month, I could look at a baby without being sad. I had wondered if I’d remember the miscarriage on the anniversary. I didn’t even think about it at all until a few days later. It’s okay to grieve for awhile but it is also okay to grieve and move on quickly.
Frankly, a miscarriage isn’t something I would wish on anyone, but they are more common than most of us realize. Know that they can be simple but the physical and emotional parts of it both can be far more intense than most people let on. It may be simple for you or it may be really hard. Either way, know that other people have been there too. Find at least one person you can talk with about it and get some support. Know that the all the pain does stop eventually.
Leah says
This is something that isn’t often talked about, but it’s so important for women to know that they’re not alone. I don’t know why there’s so much shame surrounding something that is so out of our control. I really appreciate that you wrote this post.
Renee says
I think the fact that you are sharing your story will help many people. I have never had to deal with a miscarriage, and I’m thankful for that. I know it has to be heart wrenching. I think that you share a very positive outlook about this and I appreciate you being so open about it. I think people need to hear that its good to grieve but it’s ok to move on quickly as well, knowing that we are not in control and that God holds all life in His hands. Thank you for sharing your story 🙂
Julie says
I definitely wanted women to know it is okay to move on. There is so much information about letting yourself grieve for however long it takes, but no one mentions that it’s also okay if you grieve quickly. Thanks for stopping by!
Karen says
I went In for an ultrasound today. I should be 9 weeks. But they only saw the egg sac. And no baby. I looked it up and ta called a blighted ovum. I also read I’ll likely miscarry. I’m scared. Would I have to go to hospital? What if it happens in public? I stay at home with my son. What would I do with him? Devastated and sad and scared.
Julie says
Oh, Karen, I am so sorry this has happened. Definitely follow up with your doctor. They will be able to answer your questions. That early on, you may just be allowed to naturally miscarry but that will depend on your doctor. If you choose to or allowed to do it naturally, I really suggest you stay home for a few days. The bleeding is quite heavy and the emotions are intense. Being in public would be hard. If you have a friend who can take your son for a day or two, take them up on it. My best friend took my then three year old for the day (even came to pick her up so I didn’t have to drive) when I had my miscarriage. It made a huge difference. Please, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me. (((hugs)))
Darcy says
I’m sorry for your loss, but appreciate you sharing your story. It seems like as a society we still treat miscarriages as something to keep secret. <3
Amber Harrop says
I lost the baby between my girls at 3 months, all of these things happened. It felt like labour I was in the hospital for longer than when I had my actual babies because my hormone levels wouldn’t drop. And when they did drop finally I had what can only be described as a breakdown due to the rapid drop. It was horrendous – glad people like you Julie are sharing your stories it really helps
Julie says
I’m sorry you have experienced a miscarriage as well. The hormone shift if definitely one of the most unexpected things. Thanks, Amber. I feel like the more we talk about miscarriages and all that goes on around them, the more women can heal as they don’t feel like they have to go through it privately (unless they want to).