We’ve all heard about “mommy wars.” Those highly emotional arguments about how to feed your baby, how to discipline your child, should mommy work or not, where should baby sleep. The list goes on and on. Then there is what I like to call The Silent Mommy War. It’s the one that doesn’t get exposure. It’s the one that no one thinks of as a big deal.
It’s the comparing of the “rough ages.”
You know the one I’m talking about. You’re venting a little about how tired you are as you have been up the last three nights with a teething baby when another mom tells you something like, “Oh, just wait until they’re two and they throw fights over the smallest thing.” Or you are in the middle of potty training and dealing with pee and other bodily fluids in odd places (anyone else have a toddler that liked to take off their diaper and pee in the bed?) when yet another mom tell you to enjoy it while you can because it only gets worse in those tween years.
Why do we do this? Why do we think we have to tell other moms how much worse it is going to be? Why can we not just be supportive of moms where they are, no matter the age or stage of their children?
I think of all the things moms fight about, this one bothers me the most. It’s almost like you are dismissing other moms and “one upping” them with how hard it can be to be a mom. I don’t know about you but I find every age of my child to have it’s own challenges. Teething was no harder than potty training. Potty training was no harder than the fickle nature of the three year old. The different hard things about parenting aren’t harder, they’re just different.
I know that sometimes people mean well when they say “enjoy it now, it gets worse.” They are meaning to remind you that they are only little once and the problem do get bigger. But a lot of times this type of saying or comparing just feels hurtful and disrespectful.
So before we start to say something like “you think 2 year olds are hard, just you wait,” think again. Remember what it was like when you were in their shoes. Be supportive. Acknowledge that every age and stage has it’s own set of difficulties.
Carrie says
YES! My son was very sick once and we had been up all night for a few nights. While I sighed in my exhaustion to someone, she told me I didn’t know what sick kids were because she had had more children than I, all sick at the same time. While yes, that is hard, a sick child is a sick child and exhaustion is exhaustion!
I also think to an extent we will find what we expect. Growing up, I remember hearing people say so often to my parents about me “Oh, she’s 10? Just wait until she hits her teens–then it will be hard!” I remember them arguing with people about that expectation. The teenage years (or the whatever years!) don’t have to be the worst years. I was a very strong willed child and am a strong woman, but my teenage years were some of the best of my life because we expected them to be good–not horrible. Thanks for sharing!
Julie says
Absolutely. I don’t think there is one rough age that is the same for all families. I think every kid is so different.
Leah Courtney says
I agree. I think this is something we do subconsciously. Now that I have teens, I try to make a point of telling younger moms with little ones how much fun they are. π
Julie says
It is definitely something we do subconsciously. I know I’ve done it. Then I realized how much it sounds liked “one upping” when someone did it to me. I now try to consciously not do it. π
Maria says
I’m glad I’m not the only one that was getting the sense of being “one uped” when I was sharing my experiences with my daughter. As a new mom, those comments made me feel intimidated, and made me not want to share any more than I already had. I wrote a similar piece like this for the very same reason. Why can’t we just support each other as mothers? We certainly need all that we can get, and yet here we are breaking each other down. I hope for our sake, they take your advice and put themselves in the other mother’s shoes–remember what it was like then, and just offer support or better yet empathy. Thank you for sharing!
Julie says
Those comments used to make me clam up too. It felt like we were allowed to share our own experiences. Thank to stopping by!
Jasbir | beeraycoffeethoughts says
I think all moms will feel like this.
Tiffany @ A Touch of Grace says
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks this! I have found myself doing it, then stopped. Because you’re right, just let parents enjoy the time they are in with their kiddos.
Julie says
It can such an easy thing to do as you think you are just sharing too but it can feel so biting to be on the other side. I’m glad you realized it too! It’s a hard thing to stop. π
Betsy @ BPhotoArt.com says
Sometimes I think it’s a misguided attempt to commiserate and be sympathetic :)… good intentions but missing the mark.
Pinned! visiting from mom 2 mom linkup π
Julie says
I agree. Sometimes it is just an attempt to commiserate but it just doesn’t always work. π Thanks for pinning and stopping by!
Jeannie says
We just moved and my neighbor came over and introduced herself and has a one-year old. She told me she didn’t know how I did it with 6 kids and one more on the way. I told her how difficult it is at times with any amount and at any age but it does get easier. I wanted her to know I remember how hard it was with my first one too. I didn’t want her to feel that her job was any less hard then mine. I sometimes think people speak out of bitterness when they say things, like, “just wait until….” If we have the right heart attitude we as Moms will want to encourage and support others, not put them down or one up them. Great post, thanks!
Julie says
Yes, I do think sometimes it is from bitterness. Sometimes they think they are being funny too.
Liz Millay says
Yes! This is so true. Every age has its tough parts and it’s awesome parts. My three year old can be a pain with his stubbornness and troublemaking, but I love seeing him learn and grow. We’re about to add number 2 and go back to the newborn sleepless nights, diapers, and 24/7 care – but I’m so excited for new baby snuggles! π It’s all perspective and I choose to deal with the hard things, but focus on the good things!
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Julie says
Perspective can be hard, can’t it? I keep reminding myself that the stubbornness of 3 is rough…but the lack of diapers is amazing! π
S.L. Payne says
Yes! I actually wrote on comparisons and fairness this week too after something my three year old did… Seriously, the negativity amongst moms is discouraging; it is a hard enough job without trying to prove who has it harder. And what is more, it doesn’t make us more of a mom or even a better mom for being able to handle things being harder. While it is often a misguided attempt to connect and offer sympathy over things being tough, I think we do it a lot when we don’t know what to say. Some of the times I have felt most listened to were when a friend just said, “Wow. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.” I’m so thankful for those friends π Thanks so much for sharing!
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Julie says
I agree that is has become a phrase when we don’t know what else to say. My hope is that we can all some day be like the supportive friends you described. π
Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says
That drives me crazy! I read a blog post and I’m kicking myself that I can’t remember where I saw it, but the author basically turned “Just you wait” around. Like, just you wait, it’s going to be awesome. Just wait, you’re going to love it. It’s all in how you look at it!
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Julie says
If you remember where you read it, let me know!
Marina says
I am trying not to do that and be more supportive.. But sometimes I just say something and five minutes later I am sorry I even told that!
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Julie says
I think we have all done it without thinking then felt bad later. It’s such an easy phrase to say without thinking.
JES says
You bring up some excellent points Julie! Now that I don’t have any little ones, I will be careful I don’t fall prey to these types of words. We all need encouragement during the specific journey we are on and shouldn’t be told that the future is worse!!! Thank you for linking this to the Art of Home-Making Mondays this week!
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Julie says
Thanks, JES. You are absolutely right. No one should be told the future is worse. Not only is it not supportive, it just takes away hope. I don’t know about you, but when my daughter is being particularly difficult, I need hope that it will get better. π
Gwen says
I agree- we had the comment of “you don’t know what’s going to hit you”, from a friend when we announced we were expecting our first child! Encouragement is so needed, and so much nicer.
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Rachel Self says
I love what a friend wrote once online. She said that everybody’s “hard” is different. What’s hard for you might be a BREEZE to most people, but then you ROCK at something that lots of those people find impossible. I’ve kept it in mind a lot. Pregnancy is soooo hard for me, and having a newborn was actually way easier than being pregnant. But when I was pregnant and completely miserable, people kept telling me to enjoy that time, to get my rest while I could, etc. It was so disheartening, b/c I literally couldn’t get out of bed and do anything. Just unloading the dishwasher would leave me in such pain that I had to sit on a heating pad for at least 5-6 hours! And sleep was impossible when I had restless legs and PUPPS. Their comments made me dread the motherhood that instead should have made me feel everything was worth it. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to take being a mom, since it would be even harder than pregnancy. Luckily everyone was wrong! Being a mom has been so much fun, and most of the time–easy. (Not that I don’t have hard days….) I’m pregnant the 2nd time now & I’m glad I can hang onto the fact that it’s NOT going to get harder, and that this struggle is totally worth the joy this baby boy will bring! I’m so much more hopeful this time, and this pregnancy is actually harder than the first one (dealing with worse health issues & trying to take care of an 11-month old at the same time). But feeling that hope has actually made it SEEM less of a struggle. π
I just think we need to be more compassionate. We can see that EVERYONE has hard things in their life, AND we can celebrate & be happy for those that have awesome things going on in their life! I get so bothered when I read something meant to encourage a SAHM, and someone comments that we should get over it and try to encourage single moms instead. Can’t we just encourage everyone???
Rachel Self recently posted…The Mommy Warsβ¦ Already?
Julie says
I love what your friend said. It’s so true! I didn’t enjoy pregnancy either. I can’t say the newborn phase was easy but it was a whole lot easier for me than being pregnant.
Anna @ Feminine Adventures says
LOVE THIS! Each stage of motherhood makes its own demands and calls for its own sacrifices. Putting down others who haven’t reach your degree of motherhood isn’t helpful!
On the flip side, it made me think back to when I had finished potty-training my oldest (a girl) and folks kept saying, “just wait till you have to train her brother. It’s MUCH harder!” Then, a mom of several slightly older children said (in a kind, encouraging way), “I know most people say that boys are way harder, but I actually thought they were a little easier. Don’t be discouraged! You can do it.”
It’s amazing just how much her kind encouragement made me feel prepared to tackle one of the next hurdles on the mothering road. A kind word can do wonders!
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Julie says
I love that your friend helped encourage you. Sure, girls tend to be easier, but I know boys who trained much faster than my daughter. Each kid is so different. Each parent is so different. The sooner we learn to encourage not compete or compare, the better. π
Danielle @ More Than Four Walls says
Every age has a new set of difficulties, challenges and amazing moments. Human nature seems to look at the negative – I’m guilty of this too.
Yet I can’t help but think God is saying, “Oh look! He’s turning 4! What an amazing time this will be for him. New things to discover, learning more of my Word, understanding how to listen to Mom and Dad! Fours are the best time ever.” And so on each year of our lives, from birth to death.
Great post! (stopping by from Fellowship Fridays)
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Julie says
I really like that “God’s point of view” thought. Thanks for sharing it!