I want to talk today about something I don’t talk about all that often: marriage. It’s been on my mind recently. Have you ever found yourself questioning, “How in the world does their marriage work? I just don’t understand how they ever ended up together.” Admit it. You know you have. Then you felt guilty for judging another person like that. I experienced this myself recently. Then I wound up on the receiving end of it. Just a simple little comment but it stuck.
Why are we quick to say that everyone has different parenting styles? Or everyone views life a little differently? Or everyone even has a different fashion sense? But when it comes to marriage and relationships we tend to look at them as a “one size fits all” mind set. Since God made everyone just a bit different and everyone has different ways of doing things, of course every marriage is going to be a little different.
In my marriage, I handle the finances. When we were dating and engaged it became obvious that I just have a knack for running a budget. As my dad says, I can rub two pennies together and make a dime. Plus, I’m the more organized one. It just made sense and works for us. But we have gotten the side eye from other people when Matt has asked me in public if we can afford to do something or buy something. Some people think he is asking permission and think that because he brings in the income, he shouldn’t have to ask to spend money. He really isn’t asking permission. Because I keep track of the finances and he doesn’t, he is asking if we have the money to spend. He is opening the discussion to if it is something we should spend money on.
We also are very comfortable with humor. We are rarely serious about much of anything. Every aspect of our life and relationship is filled with laughter. We probably make jokes that other people find odd or uncomfortable. Matt will joke about one of our female friends being his girlfriend. We are very much devoted to each other and it truly is just a joke because of the amount of time they spend together (with me present 99% of the time).
The one that most people find really odd is that we both admit attraction to other people. For us, attraction isn’t the problem, it is when one acts upon that attraction. I know when he thinks another girl is cute and he knows when I think another guy is hot. We keep that very open between us. We both know that, while we are married, we are also humans who notice the attractiveness of other people. If we weren’t open about that with each other I would honestly be a little worried. We are open about absolutely everything so if he didn’t notice another girl being pretty, I’d be worried that he was straying. That doesn’t mean we go out “guy/girl watching” on purpose, it just means we acknowledge that noticing isn’t a big deal. For some couples, noticing another person would be disrespectful. That’s not true for us.
Part of how come our marriage works the way it does is because we were friends for years before we started dating in high school. I already knew he was a harmless flirt. I already knew he has the need to be the big brother to many people. He already knew that I crack jokes at inappropriate times. I fully admit that my marriage would not work for other people. That is why Matt is my husband and I am his wife. We just work for each other.
The next time you think “why do they spend all their time together and never split up for girls nights/guys nights” or “why does he care what style of jeans she wears” or “how can anyone be so serious all the time and not joke around” remember that just like parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc., everyone has their own style of doing things in marriage and relationships. I am talking to myself on this just as much as I’m talking to you. May we all remember together that there is no “one size fits all” for anything, especially marriage. Every marriage is different.
Kelsey Ferguson says
This is such a great reminder. Just last night what while Storage Wars with my husband, he commented that he will never understand how a certain couple works. And although it is true that we will never understand the dynamics of it, it doesn’t mean that their marriage isn’t a perfectly healthy wonderful one. Just like all areas of our life, we have a tendency to view marriage through our own experience, which isn’t always a good thing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this! You blessed me with your words today. π
Kelsey Ferguson recently posted…Dear Discouraged Mom, You are not alone.
Julie says
If the same couple is on it that was a few years back when I still watched, my husband and I have had the exact same conversation. It’s very true. We will probably never understand someone else’s marriage dynamic. π
MB says
I totally agree with you. Many times, I’ve thought, how can those two be married? But everyone is different. It’s all about what you can tolerate and what makes you as an individual and couple happy.
And I’m so glad you brought up the attraction factor! I don’t understand how couples cannot admit they’re attracted to other people. It doesn’t mean they’re going to do anything about it or wreck their marriage or relationship for someone else — it’s merely an appreciation of someone else., and, really, if circumstances were different, you may have ended up with someone else if you never met your spouse or significant other. We’re human.
The funny thing is that since my husband and I are so open about this, we can pinpoint exactly who we’re attracted to also, and it’s all above board and actually kind of funny. It’s not a secret, it’s out in the open, it’s not affecting our self-esteems. I think it’s more worrisome when that attraction to another person is hidden on purpose like there is intent to stray.
We tell each other everything to the point of saying, ” I really didn’t want to know that!” But he makes me laugh every day, and I think that really can help keep a marriage rolling with the punches. And we just celebrated our 15th anniversary, so maybe we’re doing something right?
Great post!!! Sounds like you have a happy marriage!
MB recently posted…Greatest Hits of My Husband and Daughter
Julie says
The attraction thing actually took me some time. I grew up with a father who would leave the room, change the channel, or look away if a woman in a bikini came on the screen. So it took me awhile to learn that my husband noticing someone else really didn’t bother me. I just thought it was suppose to bother me. Not that my father is wrong. That’s what works for their marriage.
Congrats on 15 years! I really do think laughter helps us roll with the punches too. π
Kay S says
This is so true! Thank you for the reminder!
On the subject of humor, even outside the context of marriage I’ve been reminded lately that everyone had different styles of humor. Things like, “How can you joke about such things?” or, conversely, “If you don’t think this is funny you have no sense of humor,” have started to kind of annoy me because everyone has a different sense of humor and that’s okay!
Julie says
I’m famous for finding humor at horrible times (like at a funeral) or situations that shouldn’t be funny. So I struggle with that myself because I fall into the “how do you not find this funny” category of people.
Rosanne says
Whenever I see a couple and think, “I could never live with (fill in whatever trait is on display),” I remind myself of a saying a friend of mine uses all the time – there is a lid for every pot. And it’s totally okay that I personally would never own that pot, never mind being a lid for it! π
Julie says
I love that saying. Thank you for sharing it with me! π
Shandra says
Great points. I recently heard a young man (30ish) lament to the entire high school classroom of about 60 students, he’d spent the weekend doing laundry and making beds….which he shouldn’t have to do. (!) because he’s the bread winner.. Oy. Glad you 2 have realized its honor, respect and partnership not entitlement or heirarchy.
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Julie says
That may be what works in his marriage but to share that with a room of impressionable high schoolers? That makes me very sad. We tend to take fairly traditional roles here with chores but that’s because it works for us, not because “that’s the way it should be.” Hubby is much better at mowing the grass and I’m much better at cooking and laundry. π
Michele Morin says
There is such grace here, and I truly think that you are onto something because so much “dissatisfaction” with marriage is caused by comparison and “coming up short” beside an imagined ideal. Found you today at Fellowship Friday!
Michele Morin recently posted…Unmasking the Substitutes
Julie says
So glad you stopped by! Yes, I’m sure some dissatisfaction in marriage is from comparing. Some husbands bring their wives flowers all the time, some do not. I have felt myself jealous over a friend who does get flowers all the time. But really? I don’t want my husband to spend that kind of money on something that dies in a few days. So it’s okay. π
Susannah says
I’m so glad I found you on the peony project! I love this because it’s so true. My husband and I are pretty similar you and your husband It seems. π We joke that bickering is our love languages and we totally tell each other who else we find attractive – especially celebrities. It works for us but I know it wouldn’t be right for all couples and I’m sure some people think our marriage is well on its way to failing. It’s totally not though. π
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Julie says
Haha! I’m sure people think my marriage in on it’s way out too. π We tend to bicker as well but rarely full on fight. Half the time the bickering turns into joking. lol
Rebecca says
I’m so glad that we all are different !!! How boring life would be if we all came from the same mold. But I know God knows what He is doing when He puts two people together. One balances the other out. Thanks for sharing. Visiting from Equipping Godly Women. Link Up.
Julie says
He absolutely does! π
Abi at Joy In My Kitchen says
Quite true, and good to remind people of now and then! I don’t want to have the marriage that some others have, not because its bad . . . its just not what would work for me. I sure don’t want people to think their marriage has to work like mine!
Julie says
Yes, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t mean their marriage is bad, just different from what would work for me.
Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says
So very true. Every marriage has its own style and I think that the longer two people are together, the more entrenched in their own style they become. You really grow together, to the point that you really might look at other couples and say “I don’t know how their marriage works like it does” (when actually, they’re probably saying the same thing about you!)
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Julie says
I’m absolutely sure people say that about my marriage. I do wonder how other marriages work sometimes but really, as long as it works for them, I don’t need to know the ins and outs.
Tiffany | A Touch of Grace says
Yep, you’re right. Every marriage is different. It sounds like we have similarities in our marriages. As long as you’re open and honest with one another who cares if you think someone else is attractive. There are a lot of attractive people in this world. π
Thanks for sharing on the Shine Blog Hop!
Julie says
Open and honest is certainly the important part.
Tayrina says
Interesting post! Very encouraging. I’m visiting you from Monday Musings Link UP. Thanks for sharing, now I’m following you! Have a blessed week!
W/Love,
Tayrina from TGAWrites
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Brittany at Equipping Godly Women says
My husband asks me what we can afford too π