It has been an interesting year so far. I received news this winter that, on the surface, may have not seemed like a big deal. But it shook me to my core. In short, I was informed that some people find me difficult to deal with which resulted in me not being able to do something I considered part of my identity anymore. I don’t even know who these people are but in the context in which it was said, I don’t know if some where people I consider friends or not.
Like most kids, I was a bit insecure. I had been told by other kids that they only played with me because their moms made them. Fast forward to my college years, it was obvious some people only tolerated me because they liked my now husband, then boyfriend. Was even informed of that once or twice. Fast forward to now, I feel like I’m living that all over again.
I’m a bit gun shy. My self-confidence has tanked. I don’t know who to trust anymore. I don’t know who is truly my friend and who is just being polite because they like my husband and daughter. It’s hard to not let the worries and hurt just take me over at times.
So here I am, at the age of 28 and mama to a 2 year old little girl, going through a period of self-discovery. In short, I am discovering who I am all over again. Here’s a bit of what I’ve discovered so far.
I’m an introvert– Not so much in that I keep to myself but in that being with other people wears me out. Long competition weekends wear me out from being with people the entire time and no time to myself. I pretty much only leave my house twice a week. I like it that way. 🙂
I am open–Â If I think it, I most likely will share it. My life is pretty much an open book. Likewise, I like to share my opinions and thoughts with other people but don’t always realize when I shouldn’t. Odd for an introvert, huh?
I am blunt– This goes with the openness. I don’t tend to sugar coat things. I can sometimes come across as being short but really, I’m not trying to be rude. I’m just to the point. This is honestly something I’m trying to work on some as I know it can be a turn off.
I am silly– It’s true. I have very few serious bones in my body. I cope with just about everything with humor. I see humor in almost every situation. I crack jokes almost constantly. This house holds a lot of laughter. I’m just enough crazy to be fun but not enough to be strange…most of the time.
I am more than just a mom– But I’m not sure who that is anymore. The context is which people had issues was something that was a huge part of my identity for quite some time. And now that’s gone. I’m struggling to find where I fit now. Where I can use the organizing skills and other skills that I have. Beyond that, I am still a wife first. I am a blogger. I’m a crafter. I’m a daughter. I am a daughter of the King. And yes, I am a mom. I love being a mom. It’s a hugely important part of who I am. But it isn’t my whole identity.
I am not a girly girl– I am also not a tomboy. I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m a bit rough around the edges. I’m the girl that when her husband got invited to boy’s night, they told him to bring his wife along. I’m the girl who longed to be wife but had no desire to be a bride. I don’t have the patience to deal with stupid girl drama and ways of beating around the bush instead of just saying the issue. (I once had a roommate who told me “well, you should know why I’m mad” like a stereotypical girl mad at her boyfriend.) I fit in with the boys so well but I love my girl friends too.
I miss having a best friend– I long to have that friend that you can just go out to coffee with or stop by in your pjs or just do anything and everything and nothing with. But, where I live and my stage of life with a young child, it just isn’t possible to have that type of friendship right now. (Although, I do have the closest I can get right now so I can’t complain.) I also am a bit guarded, especially with this year’s news and how I’ve been treated by “friends” my whole life. Hard to have a best friend when it’s hard for me to let my guard down to be a best friend. I’m really trying. Part of it is the introvert thing too.
I am okay with who I am– When it comes down to it, while it hurts to be complained about and that causing me to lose part of my identity, I’m okay with who I am. I’m not going to change myself to be liked. As I have grown up, I have matured. I’m a whole lot less rough around the edges now than I was 5-10 years ago. (If you didn’t know me 5-10 years ago, yes, I actually used to be worse.) I can be a big sweetheart or I can be really standoff-ish and upset. I will never be just the sweetest girl you’ve ever known….and I’m okay with that.
It gets overly quoted but Marilyn Monroe once said, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” I wouldn’t say that is 100% me…but it’s fairly close.
I can’t remember the full quote but a friend this year told me, “You are more than your circumstances.” I am learning just how true that is. On the hard days, it helps pull me through. I’m pretty sure this is my new life motto. I am many different things. Most importantly, I am more than the circumstances surrounding me.
Hi, I’m Julie and I’m a crazy, outspoken, Christian introvert. 🙂
DeliaKnits says
You remind me of my best friend during what would have been my “college” years. It took a bit for us to be friends, we had known each other since diapers and it was only until we were in our twenties that we connected. It is hard to make friends as adults, especially when you add in kids, busy life styles, and husbands. Praying for you!
Julie @ Loggers Wife says
Thanks, Delia. I love the friends that I have that I do know, without a doubt, are my friends. You being one of them. 🙂 We are honestly looking to move closer to church in the next 5-8 years…a lot of it for the social aspect. All my friends, besides the ones that live hours away, live in that area. Same for Matt. Being closer would be a lot easier. That, or a high gas budget. lol. By the time it happens, I’ll have older kids so won’t be so tied to “must be home for nap time” and “I can’t find a babysitter” anyway. 🙂
April StCyr says
I feel exactly the same way you do about everything. Although I do not know you and don’t live very close to you I enjoy reading your blog and what you are up to. Maybe some day we can meet up and chat. God Bless
Sybil Brun says
Awe what a sweet glimpse into you & your life! Thanks for sharing at Make A Difference Mondays!