I’m turning 29 this month. On the 27th to be exact. I’ve always been a birthday lover. I love to celebrate. I love all the free coffee coupons I get in the mail. 😉 I love to have an excuse to do whatever I want to do (well, to a certain extent, of course). I make a big deal about my daughter’s birthday too. But this year I’m just not feeling it.
Instead of looking forward to my birthday this year, I’m dreading it a bit. I don’t feel like I am where I wanted to be by this point in my life. I figured our house renovations would have progressed a lot more than they have by now. I figured we’d be a lot more out of debt by now. I figured I’d have another child by now.
None of those things are true. Instead of being happy about a birthday, I’m feeling pressure to get so much done in the next year so I can still meet my unofficial goal of having a bunch of things done by 30. I do realize these feelings are a bit silly. It really doesn’t matter. Lots has happened in the past 5 years. Lots of great things but also lots of things that have derailed my plans.
I am learning that my plans are not always God’s plans…and I don’t usually like that. I really would have liked to have had a second child by now. But God has not blessed us with that yet. He knows what I don’t know so I’m positive that it is for the best…but that doesn’t mean I like it.
I know in my head that 29 does not mean I suddenly only have one year left to meet my goals. I know that goals and time frames change. Some people really struggle with turning 30 or 40 or even 50. I might struggle with those too. But for now, I’m really struggling with going into the last year of my 20s. It just seems so final. My 20s brought lots of change with getting married, graduating college, buying a house, becoming a mom. I almost feel like all the big firsts are behind me now. I’m not sure I’m ready to let that go.
Between feeling like this is the “end of an era” and having some anxiety over feeling behind in my life plans, I’m just not feeling this birthday. Maybe part of it is my struggle with contentment as well. I have no grand insights into this or advice on how I’m getting through it. I know I will have to come to terms with the changes of life soon. I know that it isn’t a big deal and I will survive. I also know that there are much, much bigger problems in the world. I truly believe that God has great things in store for me for 29 and for my 30s. But I have always been honest with you all about my struggles and this is what I am really struggling with right now. May 29 be an amazing year and helps put all of my anxiety over it to rest. 🙂
Have you had a birthday that was hard to handle?